A Story I have No Idea How To Write
by Mysterious Dark Lord v3.2
Summary: I got this idea, and I wrote it out, and I have no idea where to go with it. Updates will be intermittent, if at all. Ideas and commentary beyond "Great write some more" will be greatly appreciated.


_**August 31, 1991**_

The wards and alarms woven around the office of the Headmaster of Hogwarts were ancient and powerful, designed to deflect any number of assaults.

However, it was not designed to keep out time-travelers.

A figure in an invisibility cloak - the very same cloak now locked in a cabinet in this very office - silently appeared. The portraits slept as the unseen figure took up the Sorting Hat and placed it on his head.

_"Ah, Mr Potter! The school has been anticipating your ... wait a second ... oh dear ..."_

"Precisely," Mr Potter said. "So ... seeing as we both know how everything will go balls-up and the the human race will die in fire in twenty-one years' time, what do you say we try to fix a few things?"

_"What did you have in mind, Mr Potter?"_

"We have to remove the influence of Dumbledore, whose short-sighted 'Greater Good' does more harm than good and fails to remove the cause of Dark Lord Proliferation. Also, we should remove the influence of the Radical Purebloods, who are the cause of Dark Lord Proliferation and whose excesses are directly responsible for the extermination of wizardkind by the muggles in 2007 and indirectly responsible for the annhiliation of Earth by the Cylons five years later."

_"And also to play a gigantic prank."_

"I am the Last Marauder, Mr Hat. I have a heritage to live up to."

_"Why did you explain everything out loud?"_

"I'm the Last Human on Earth. If I didn't talk to myself out loud, I wouldn't hear a human voice at all. Now here's the Diabolical Plan ..."

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_**September 1, 1991**_

The First Years were mechanically sorted into their Houses, with a slight undercurrent of excitement that Harry Potter was going to be here. Albus Dumbledore had cultivated that excitement - the Myth of the Returning Hero was necessary to blunt the Myth of the Dark Lord, which was why he had those Harry Potter Boy Hero books written and cultivated rumors of the boy's heroic childhood.

A name was called - "Granger, Hermione" - and a bushy-haired girl came up, carrying a book. Dumbledore took a quick peek into her thoughts. How quaint, she sought to join Gryffindor to emulate him. And she had met Harry Potter on the train and struck up an acquaitanceship. She might be useful.

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As the Hat went on her head, Hermione was apprehensive.

_"Worry not, child," _the Hat said. _"You will not be rejected."_

"You're ... the Sorting Hat?"

_"I am. It is my function to Sort the students into the Hosues they need, or that need them. And you ... oh yes! You are special, Hermione Jean Granger."_

"How so?"

_"I was told long ago to watch for certain circumstances, when Hogwarts would be in peril. Thanks to Dumbledore's grotesque incompetence, that time has come."_

That made her eyebrows go up. Dumbledore was incompetent enough to endanger the school?!

_"To save Hogwarts, I was to watch for students with special traits. You are one such."_

"Oh. I see ..."

_"You suspect your specialness will isolate you, as it did in the muggle schools? No, dear. In fact, for you, this is impossible."_

"What do you mean 'impossible'?"

_"Your soul-mate is in this room - your best friend, your Most Special Person, the missing piece of your soul. Give him absolute trust, and he will give you total devotion. Reach out to him, and you will never be alone. In fact, you already have reached out, when you fixed his glasses."_

Hermione gasped in shock.

_"Now stand to the side, Miss Granger. I must complete the Sorting. The others will join you. Then all will be explained."_

Hermione took off the Hat and went to the side. Muttering began, as no House was announced.

"Miss Granger?" Professor McGonagall said nervously. "You have to complete the Sorting."

"The Hat said that I was to wait," she said.

"I'm afraid that you have to complete the -"

The Sorting Hat spoke up; _"Minerva McGonagall, stand down! Attempt to interfere and you will be banished from these halls, never to return. I say this in the Name of the Hogwarts Four! Now summon the next child."_

Minerva gulped and with a dry mouth called out the next child.

Whispers of speculation went throught the place - everything from 'she's going to be expelled' to 'she's the long-lost Heir of the Wizard-King' and everything in-between.

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"Longbottom, Neville!"

Neville sat down, fidgeting, and bit his lip as the Hat descended on him.

_"Ah, young Neville. Like all Longbottoms, you've been beaten down by your overbearing female relations. Don't worry, lad, every Longbottom comes in here like you. But they all leave better men. I suspect it's from spending ten months out of a year away from what your grandfather called 'the Old Bitch Brigade'."_

Neville snorted in shock and amusement.

_"Well, lad, you want Gryffindor but you expect Hufflepuff. Well, guess what? You're a special one. Yours is a stranger and more unusual path."_

"Am I goig to be expelled?"

_"No, Neville, quite the opposite. In this time of peril, no potential will be wasted if at all avoidable. Go and wait over there. All will be explained."_

Neville took off the Hat and went over to Hermione, who gave him a smile and shy wave.

McGonagall asked, "Mr Longbottom?"

"The Hat said to wait here!"

McGonagall uttered, "But -"

The Hat spoke up, _"Do we have to go through this again, Minerva?"_

"No, no, I just ..."

_"All will be explained. Now call the next one. My lining is getting cold."_

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"Malfoy, Draco!"

The Scion of the Not-At-All-Anceint and Wouldn't-Know-Noble-If-It-Got-Bit-In-The-Backside-By-It House of Malfoy strutted up as if he was a pimp showing off for his whores. He fully expected the Hat to instantly proclaim him a Slytherin and go to his table, to begin his reign as the Prince of Slytherin House.

The Hat settled on his head. _"At last, I get to Sort a Malfoy!"_

"What?!" Malfoy exclaimed. "What do you mean?! You've been sorting Malfoys for generations!"

_"No I haven't. No Malfoy has been Sorted in two centuries. For generations your family has cast a charm on their children to make me scream 'Slytherin' when I came too close to them. But this time, special circumstances allowed me to resist the charm your father cast upon you. Now you will be Sorted properly!"_

Draco's throat went dry. "Could you put me in Slytherin anyway?"

_"Heh-heh. Rest assured, Draco Lucius Malfoy, you will go where you're intended to go. But you, lad, you are special!"_

"Special?"

_"Hogwarts is in peril, and the Founders left me clear instructions. Go to the side. Wait until the Sorting is over. And you will ascend to a glorious destiny."_

Draco took off the hat and went to stand by the side of the aisle, a bit apart from Hermione. Everyone in the Hall looked at him in confusion, Neville looked with apprehension, and Hermione with disgust.

Draco just shrugged. "The Hat said I had to wait," he said smugly.

She picked up the Hat. "Is there something wrong with -"

_"Minerva Heather MacCready-McGonagall!" _the Hat thundered. _"You have already been warned once! Attempt to interfere again and you will be banished from Hogwarts!"_

McGonagall put the Hat down gingerly and tried not to sweat. "But what are you doing?!"

_"My job, following the commands of the Hogwarts Four! Is it my fault you wizards aren't bright enough to figure that out?! Now get back to work and summon the next child!"_

McGonagall nodded mutely and her voice only squeaked a bit when she called the next name.

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"Potter, Harry!"

Harry heard the mutterings and excited whispers as he went up and the Hat was put upon him. As it touched his head, he heard the voice.

_"Oh yes, so much potential. Perfect, lad."_

"For what?"

_"For who you are. And what will come."_

"Are you going to expel me?"

_"No, Harry. But you will be with your other half, Miss Granger."_

"Hermione?"

_"Yes. She's all alone, Harry. She's like you, she's always been alone. She needs you to face the peril to come. Go to her and wait."_

Harry took off the hat and went and stood by Hermione.

McGonagall said in a resigned tone, "The Hat told you to wait."

"Yes, ma'am."

The Hat spoke up, _"Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore! You attempted to affect the Sorting of Harry Potter by casting a charm to make me cry out 'Gryffindor'! Consider yourself warned! Any further attempts to interfere in the Sorting will cause you to be banished from Hogwarts! I say this in the Name of the Hogwarts Four! The next child, Minerva."_

As Minerva called the next child, Harry asked Hermione, "Are you alright?"

Hermione looked at him and saw concern and worry in his incredibly-green eyes. She remembered all the things the Hat had told her about him ... best friend, Most Special Person, the missing piece of her soul ...

She took his hand in hers. "I'm alright now."

They smiled at each other, feeling unaccountably happy. Their reaction was noticed only by those persons who were in the room, but was otherwise undetectable.

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"Weasley, Ronald!"

Ron Weasley was incredibly nervous. No one knew what was happening. No Sorting had ever gone like this before. The Malfoys were always automatically Slytherins. The Potters were always Gryffindors. Now they were being set aside. Why?

The hat lowered onto his head. _"Another Weasley?! Is there no end to you!?"_

"I got one more sister," Ron said. "Then you'll get a break for a while. At least until my older brothers start marrying and having kids."

_"Well, rejoice, lad. You're going to get your wish!"_

"Gryffindor?!"

_"No! To stand out, to be unique! To be remembered for being something other than 'yet another Weasley'. To be one of the heroes that saved Hogwarts from the peril!"_

"Oh. I guess that's not bad. To the side?"

_"To the side."_

Ron took off the Hat and went to stand beside Harry. He grinned at Harry and Hermione, who were still holding hands, and gave Neville a thumb's-up. He qand Draco pointedly ignored each other.

McGonagall just went on to the last three names on the list. She didn't want to get the Hat mad at her again.

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Dumbledore was trying not to throw a fit. The Sorting Hat had chastized him in front of the students! And this setting students aside, what did the rotted old headrag think it was doing?!

And it was doing it in the Name of the Hogwarts Four. That was a formula in the oldest texts about the castle. The oldest magics of the school were bound in that Name. If it said it would exile them from Hogwarts, it could do it.

He looked over at Harry and saw he was practically radiant as he held hands with and exchanged whispers with that muggleborn girl. That was not acceptable. The boy's contacts should be carefully supervised. And what did the Hat mean by singling out the sons of two of the most radical Light and Dark families?

The Hat cleared it's throat - a bizarre concept if ever there was one - and the Great Hall quieted down.

_"I am the Sorting Hat and I speak in the Name of the Hogwarts Four! Long ago the Hogwarts Four shared a dream - the dream of a unified magical civilization, no longer a crude accumulation of isolated villages and tribes and occasional kingdoms, but a true Wizarding World. To that end the Fortress that stood on this site was opened as a school. And the Hogwarts Four selected the students that best fit their philosophies and purposes. Their intention was to have the graduates of the four Houses work together as the Four Founders did, a unified whole, joining their strengths to be greater than the sum of their parts._

_"But that is no longer the case. The Four Houses are armed camps, hiding behind hidden doors, competing with each other in the spirit of vicious one-upsmanship, attacking one another in the halls while their Heads of House go out of their way to exacerbate this tragic ands _**wrong **_state of affairs!"_

The Heads of House had the decency to look embarassed. Actually, Snape merely looked uncomfortable while Sprout almost wept. But the otehr two were embarrassed. And Dumbledore looked like he was restraining his temper.

_"The Hogwarts Four saw that this might happen, and had a plan to try and fix this sad condition. To this end, five students have been selected. They are the Exemplars, each one showing the finest qualities expected in a student. Together, they are the Fifth House, the House of Hogwarts! Every year, five more students will be Sorted into that House, each one being an Exemplar of desired traits."_

Ron and Draco both stood tall at hearing that. They were automatically an Elite! The Hat saw that they were the best!

Harry felt nervous - the thought of standing out made him fear the coming of a belt strap toward his face. Hermione felt his fear and put an arm around his waist. "Don't worry," she whispered.

Dumbledore tensed up. He could feel the magic of Hogwarts shifting the rooms - it was opening a dorm just for them! How could he manage and shape them without peer pressure and the subtle Suggestion spells in the common rooms?

_**"Hermione Jean Granger!" **_the Hat proclaimed. _"Your life is devoted to study and the absorption of knowledge. And you share that knowledge freely, even when it insults all those in your vicinity and chases people away from you. To this end, you are the __**Exemplar of Ravenclaw**__!"_

Hermione felt herself grow red at that decscription, even while Ravenclaw gave a polite applause.

_**"Draco Lucius Malfoy!" **_the Hat proclaimed. _"Everything you say, think, or do is directed toward a single goal - to win the approval of your father. Your devotion to your father is so strong and absolute, you would willingly become a Death Eater, a branded slave, just to win his praise. For such total devotion, you are the __**Exemplar of Hufflepuff**__!"_

Draco whined in shock, and the rest of the room was filled with mutterings. The Hufflepuff table was on the verge of apoplexy. Ron Weasley was trying not to laugh but failing.

_**"Harry James Potter!" **_the Hat proclaimed. _"For most of your life, you have been a slave. You have undergone dehumanizing suffering, known starvation and torture, you have been degraded and debased. You bear more scars than most dragon-hunters or hit-wizards. But you have never surrendered to despair. You have never given up hope, even when you were locked in a cage and coughing up blood. For the strength of your soul, you are the __**Exemplar of Gryffindor**__!"_

Harry turned his face away from the crowd in shame. But Hermione grabbed him and held him close.

The silence was thunderous. Even Snape was in shock. Whatever they had imagined the life of the Hero of the Wizarding World to be, that was not it.

Minerva took the opportunity to stab Dumbledore in the hand with a fork. Dumbledore managed to not scream, but just barely.

"I told you, you old fool!" she hissed at him. "I told you!"

_**"Ronald Bilius Weasley!" **_the Hat proclaimed.

"Oh bloody hell," Ron said quietly. He was not bright, but even he could see where this was going.

_"You are the sixth child of your family. Everything you have is a hand-me-down. Your siblings have always outshone you, whether by being exceptional in their own right like your eldest brothers, or just for existing like your younger sibling, the sole daughter of your family. All your life, you have sought to be known for yourself, to stand out, to have a place that is your own. For your ambition and hunger, you are the __**Exemplar of Slytherin**__!"_

"NO!" Draco yelled. "That's mine! I should be the Exemplar of Slytherin! Give it back!"

Draco grabbed Ron by the throat, but being the sixth boy in a household does give one certain advantages, and Draco doubled up under Ron's fist in his gut.

_**"Neville Franklin Longbottom!" **_the Hat proclaimed. "Within you all the traits of all four Houses shine! You are as dedicated as a Hufflepuff, as brave as a Gryffindor, as knowledgable as a Ravenclaw, and as ambitious as a Slytherin! Embodying the Dreams of the Founders, you are the _**Exemplar of Hogwarts**_!"

Neville looked like he had just been poleaxed. He had no idea what the Hat was talking about, as he had never seen those traits in himself.

The school robes of the four students turned bright white, with an identifying trim - Harry's trim was red, Hermione's was blue, Ron's was green, Draco's was yellow, and Neville's was a metallic silver.

A round table appeared in the back of the room, by the doors, opposite from the hourglasses that totaled the House Points. And if anyone had noticed, a fifth hourglass was in place, shining white.

_"Your table awaits, House of Hogwarts,"_ the Hat said. _"Go and enjoy the Feast."_

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As the five students sat down, the invisible time-traveler tapped each one with his wand. To each he gave a gift to lurk in their subconscious, to awaken at the proper moment.

In Harry he left the inspiration that would emerge when he learned the _Expecto Patronum_, allowing him to invent the _Ego Tuerime_, the spell variant that would allow him to create dark-slaying Patronus weapons.

In Neville he left the knowledge of how to destroy horcruxes by casting a Patronus directly into it, to be awakened after he knew what both a Patronus and a horcrux were.

In Draco he left disquieting dreams that he would never quite remember, showing him being a tortured slave at Voldemort's feet.

In Ron he left the potential to become an animagus, to be slowly awakened in stages beginning when he successfully transfigured a living thing for the first time. The slow awakening would encourage him to study to understand what he was thinking, which would make him look like a prodigy.

And in Hermione he merely brushed off her old love of Star Trek and Doctor Who, to goad her into finding ways to blend science and magic, to try and bring her half-buried childhood fantasies to life.

Time-traveling Harry had no idea if these hints would work. This idea was pretty hare-brained in the first place; the only reason he did it was that in the radioactive machine-haunted hellhole that was his home, there was no one to stop him.

All Time-traveling Harry did was hint. Hermione might decide to ignore her inspiration; Draco might reject the insight; Neville might lack the self-confidence to share his intuition; Ron might be too lazy to achieve his potential; and young Harry might not ever put his idea into practice. And they might all catch cold and die, and who knows, they might all do what he wanted them to do and the human race might die at the claws of the Cylons anyway. History was a bitch like that.

But as Time-traveling Harry faded from existence, no longer able to exist in this reality, he wished them luck.

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End file.
